We was robbed.. West Virginia and America was robbed. If we want to keep going with this, perhaps the entire universe finds itself, well, robbed.
The folks at ABC/ESPN sat 20 million slack-jawed, rapt Americans in front of their TV sets and gave us a hyped up ballgame that was rigged from the get-go. Instead of fresh excitement, new and shocking touchdowns, and straight-off-the-shelf cattiness, we were served up a series of yellow flags and horrible spots that reversed every positive play that my EERS made. Like, I’ve been comparing college football in America to fascism for years. It’s kinda disturbing to find out that ESPN and the SEC have confirmed my theory.
We was robbed.
To be sure, this blue-balling football game did have its pleasures. Unfortunately, indulging the pleasures of Penn Wagers and his SEC officiating crew was like picking up the trashy-but-good-enough gal by the jukebox, bringing her home, bumping uglies, and feeling that woozy-making deja-vu as you sidle up to the same jukebox a week later and compliment her on her selection of that great Foghat song . Occasionally, we’d get what seemed to be a fresh sideline shot of Les Miles gaping blank-faced like a clock with the numbers rubbed clean then realize that we’d already pointed and laughed and remarked about how slow Les Miles seemed to be on the uptake. There was the same litany of LSU “trick” plays that were nothing more than Freudian slips made all the more deliciously Freudian by their utter incomprehensibility to the smooth gray matter that let them fly. In my group of EER fans there was the endless supply of “I don’t know’s” to any penalty flag that reversed an EER positive play requiring the aforethought of anything with an attention span greater than that of your developmentally disabled fruitfly.
This was a Twilight Zone football game of causal viewer cruelty, where at the end we could half-expect comely sideline reporter Erin Andrews to calmly announce that we were bad people that didn’t know that LSU had already been “tested” and were used to hostile crowds and then she would flip us a classily manicured bird.
Fuck ESPN and the SEC and their conference alignment crack, leaving us to twitch in anticipation of some predetermined big finish, when either a conniving Penn Wagers or probably-conniving-but-much-better-about-it Mike Slive are gonna get their just desserts, and the back of the hand that’s going to be served up by our 463 yard passer/jackhammer Geno Smith by the deceived object of his affection.
The take away? It took LSU upsetting my beloved EERS to get the #1 ranking.
Fuck me, fuck us all for not tucking away the currency of our attention in our shoes as we walked through the seediest part of the College Football, hooting and hollering about how sweet life seems on payday. We all asked for this. And we’ll get it again in a long week from now.