Following Mike Hamilton’s stormy tenure as Athletic Director for the University of Tennessee, Joan Cronan, the long time head of the women’s athletic department, was given the moniker of Interim Director while the Board of Trustees begins its national search for a full time replacement. Jimmy Cheek, who is spearheading the search, thanked Mrs. Cronan for her service and noted that she was not a candidate to take over the permanent role.
This clear and unambiguous statement, however, was simply not enough to placate the fucking rednecks who densely populate the Volunteer fanbase.
Shane Darrell, a part-time lawnmower mechanic, was not happy with Mrs. Cronan’s role in the department. “This is an absolute embarrassment. She’s a woman, a damn woman, and she got no place directing the warriors in the field,” said Shane. The fact that Mrs. Cronan will be serving in this capacity for only a brief time seemed lost on Shane, nor did it seem to matter that she will only be handling administrative duties. “Here’s the thing,” added Shane, “She ain’t got no right to tell coaches how to run they programs. This is the day UT sports died.”
Daryl Robbins, a 37 year-old on disability for “anxiety issues”, was even more pointed with his criticism. “General Neyland is rolling in his grave. Pappy told me that the General wouldn’t let bitches even in the building during practices. Now some woman will be calling plays and running scrimmages,” said Daryl. He even invoked quasi-history to explain his anger. “Neyland fought in the damn Civil War. Many died in that fight for our rights as Southerners, and I guarantee you Robert E. Lee wasn’t trusting a girl to lead his troops.”
Terry Pweef, a roofer from White Pine, seemed lost in what he considered “high lawyer talk” concerning her position. “What the fuck is an inner rim AD anyway?” questioned Terry. “You know what’s really happening? This is all Pat Summitt and her band of dykes who have been running that school since [Johnny] Majors and [Doug] Dickie left. I’ll tell you one thing – I bet our new AD don’t like dick in her inner rim.”
Terry even linked the hiring to higher political causes. “This is fucking Obama at work. Nazi socialism. Feminist lesbianist fascist agenda to take our jobs and kill religion.”
The Cosby Cattleman, a local unemployed man who calls sports radio programs hourly, unsurprisingly was disheartened as well. “Maybe they’ll buy her a new BMW,” he said. “It’s ridiculous. The women’s sports programs don’t make any money anyway. You can get Lady Vols tickets by bringing canned food to their games. Maybe Cronan will let her LPGA friends have a luxury box in Neyland for a case of Beanie Weenies.”
The administrative shakeup is just the latest in a series of disappointments, framed in conspiracies, for UT’s permatard fans. During just a few minutes of interviews conducted at the Chapman Highway Hardee’s, various Reds insisted that the Tennessee Board of Trustees was secretly run by the Florida Gators, that Florida AD Jeremy Foley would actually be selecting Hamilton’s successor, that Derek Dooley was in reality working for Nick Saban under the guise of being the Vols coach, that Bruce Pearl was forced out because Mike Slive “hates the Jew-run media”, and that Pat Summitt was actively recruiting students for the “gay left-wing Pelosi mafia.”
While these fans may be dismissed as “fringe”, only one person interviewed seemed pleased with UT’s strategy. “I think Joan is a great leader and greater person,” said Peter Harris-Roberts, an interior decorator and avid thimble collecter. “I think the men’s program should take a cue from Pat and her tradition of excellence. UT would be wise to not only promote her to AD, but also let her coach the men’s basketball team. Her girls play with passion.”