(A special thanks to Cool Hand Mike aka Luke North, King of the Money Shot for surreptitiously gaining access to Urban Meyer’s Recruiting “Playbook”. Keep in mind, 99% of these recruits would stab their mothers to have a whiff of the Urban’s jock. I could change my handle to “Ron Zook” and I guarantee there would be posts asking me for ‘the playbook’. A couple of the Plays are attached at the bottom of the Interview. Here is one to whet the appetite of all of us closet gators. There are three more pages available for Running Backs, Defensive Line minus the marijuana, and linebackers. These pages are available upon request.)
My cell phone began to buzz, buzz like an angry bee. I should have known, Coach Urban Meyer was texting me. The man is incredibly incredible. Using advanced communications to communicate. Incredible. A recruiting monsters monster. At any rate, I thought my triumphant podcast post of the misunderstood and tragically flawed Chris Leak might lure the heralded and talented Coach Urban to a one-on-one interview.
The interview was held at a corner greasy spoon in Opp, Alabama. I ordered a cheeseburger and he had a tall Pepsi (figures he would be a Pepsi guy). Coach Meyer was in Lower Alabama recruiting and I quickly found out that he was dynamically dynamic and engaging. AtlantaVol, who posts at Outermonvolia, is a dick
LWS: Urban, thanks for agreeing to this interview. I must say between football practice, recruiting and Briscoe High, you are incredible. Does Nick Saban know that you are in Alabama? Recruiting his players?
UM: Nick Saban can kiss my ass. Lets get to the point, after listening to that very disturbing ESPN Podcast you published with my former sharting QB, I needed come on-line and straighten some things out. I gotta say it feels really good to attach the word “former” to Chris Leak.
LWS: Well, lets talk recruiting, is it true that you are going release an album? Why a music album?
UM: The album is “close hold”. How did you find out about it? Oh hell, you will print this so I might as well tell you about it. I want to maintain a technological edge, Duh! I created text messaging to recruits a phenomena and now the NCAA has crashed my damn party. This album is something that recruits can play and hear my voice all of the time. And it is like, so easy. Some guy with sideburns, like writes the lyrics, and then this Asian chick totally sings the back up lyrics. I hope to make a video of the cool songs. I am really good at memorizing stuff, and then I can move my mouth to the words in the video. Then I get recruits. I am smarter than everyone else, do you see?
LWS: I see. So you don’t actually write or perform the songs. You lip synch?
UM: You make it sound all bad! Seriously. If that European pop singer Lenny Kravitz does it, it’s got to be ok, because he is hot.
LWS: Lenny Kravitz isn’t European nor does he lip sync. I believe you are thinking of Milli Vanilli.
UM: Whatever. Is Lilly Mavilly hot?
LWS: Um…I’m not sure. Let’s move on. There are stories in the media concerning your new image and what might be the cause of that. We have seen “the playbook to show recruits”. Here look at these , Any comment?
UM: Yeah! The Spread Option in the SEC rocks! When I see a 265 pound Defensive End concave one of my quarterbacks sternum, I admit that I get a bit of a chub. Go Spread Option!!!!! I am getting a chub right now thinking about it.
LWS: You do realize many parents may feel this sort of message is negative.
UM: Parents suck!
LWS: I’m sorry to hear that.
UM: No, I’m like totally serious. I used to love to watch Curtis Leak and Bob Tebow scrap. They really believed that it helped me pick a starter. All it did was get me hot. [Name Redacted] introduced me to Blumpkins. I love those things.
LWS: Excuse me?
UM: (Laughing) Yeah! I paid some guy like, twenty thousand dollars to attend practice and scream “Chris Leak Sucks” and another guy to scream “Tim Tebow sucks”. People say it was totally hot.
LWS: Do you have a soul?
UM: I sold it in my second year at Utah! (Laughing) [At this point I suppressed a shudder and finished off my burger. Then pressed on with the next question.]
LWS: Is there a feud between you and Ed Orgeron? [Right after my question, he blinked at me a couple times then ran off to the restroom. When he returned, there were suspicious stains splattering his Gator Polo Shirt and his breath smelled of vomit. His nostrils were inflamed and a sheen of new sweat shined off of his forehead.]
UM: No! But my SID and the Ole Miss SID say that if we pretend to like, then hate each other, we both get a lot more attention. I can’t believe I told you that! Is there truth syrup in this Pepsi?
LWS: Did you just vomit? Holy shit, Coach O scares you. Does he give you titty twisters too?
Coach Meyer then got up abruptly, throwing his napkin to the table and proceeded to scream at me.
UM: I’M NOT FAT! YOU FAT FUCKING PIG! DRINK MORE OF YOUR FAT JUICE LOSER! THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER! He then kicked his chair over. The expenditure of stored caloric intake at this point ran out and he fainted. Several members of his staff rushed forward and assured me they knew what to do, it happens all the time, etc. I slowly backed away and made my exit.