Tennessee Head Football Coach Phil Fulmer, in a move echoing the famous Leonard-Duran “No Mas” boxing match of 1980, held a press conference yesterday at the Tennessee Athletic Department to announce that Vols were throwing in the towel against former longtime Tennessee Offensive Coordinator Randy Sanders and his Kentucky Wildcats this Saturday. Although this news shocked the College Football world, Tennessee is virtually assured a bowl berth and the raucous Tennessee fanbase will just have to learn to accept these Nelvin Chamberlin-esque conditions. Chamberlin’s appeasement policy of World War II’s Germany with “Peace in our time” will equate to the Vols annual invitation to the Peach Bowl. Volunteer fans acceptance of this stategy is crucial to Fulmer’s survival in Knoxville.
Tennessee’s surrender was based heavily on recent developments with Coach Sanders making both public and private statements of bitch-slapping his former team. Sanders had been reported as saying that the Vols “better grease those goal posts, or we are going to tear those bitches down”. Sanders added, ” I have coached the number one rated quarterback in the SEC, I am going to serve Ol’ Phil a piping hot cup of STFU for making me the fall guy for last year’s debacle. It is like I have been sent to the SEC’s version of football detention hall…Kentucky. Somebody’s ass is paying for that.”
Fulmer stated, “It is obvious that Kentucky will come prepared to play this year. We may have taken for granted the fact that they have been pretty weak in previous years. Therefore, I call out to Kentucky and Randy Sanders: You win. We give up!”
The Power T flag flying high over Neyland Stadium was lowered and a white flag of surrender raised. “We’re throwing in the towel this year,” Fulmer said as he tossed a blood-stained towel over the podium.
The move received approval from some of the thousands of Volunteer Fans who recalled last season’s humiliating defeat at the hands of Vanderbilt at Neyland Stadium. But not everyone is happy over the move. Mike Rotch of Alcoa Tennessee had this to say: “We’ve come so far this year; we can’t just give it up and let the Kentucky win. What message are we sending to our children? To the rest of the nation? That our state is full of quitters? No siree! We need to fight this battle ’til the end! I wasn’t too upset until we lost to those Vanderbilt nerds at home last year,” recalled Rotch of the losing season. “That one really stuck with me. We shouldn’t be losing to those bookworms. Not even during a war when our guys are fighting overseas and their guys are hiding behind the books in the library.”
Rotch isn’t the only one questioning the move. ESPN conspiracy theorist Brent Tosh spoke out shortly after the announcement. “This is obviously a political move by Phillip Fulmer to quell the conspiracy that ESPN hates Tennessee Football. But really all I know is that Fulmer said he was going to get rid of losing last season (Randy Sanders ‘resigns’) and he hires someone who was fired from his last job (OC David Cutcliffe) for not winning enough. Frankly Fulmer can’t afford to lose to a guy that he forced out of Tennessee, so it is easier to quit”.