The Tragic Story of Dorian “The Historian” Munroe June 1, 2007
Posted by Taurean "Killer" Green "Buds" in Gators, Joe Paterno, JoePa, SEC Football, Tennessee Volunteers, Urban Meyer, dumb-ass, florida gators.trackback
There are many heroes involved in the fight against oppression. The fight against totalitarianism. The fight against Dict-Gators. This is the story of how one man, one defensive back, fought that oppression and won, sort of.
This week, it was announced that University of Florida safety Dorian “The Historian” Munroe took one on the chin for all of us. Here’s how it went down. [TBO]
The Historian was arrested last week and charged with a third-degree felony, which caries a possible gulag term of no more than 10 years — for petty theft. “Theft of what?” You may ask yourself. What was it that this fine young man stole? Was it a gun? Nope. Was it a car? Nope. Was it a dime bag of the Sticky Icky? Hell no. Gators have no need to steal that. According to the report, The Historian told officer Brian “Kill Freedom” Boyd that he had removed Das Boot from his 1987 Benzo and placed it in his trunk in an effort to make it to his third period Social Tolerance Class. We have obtained a classified photo of Das Boot – taken from the Eastern Bloc of the Sunshine State. Many men dies to bring us this photo.
The Historian was subsequently arrested and transported to Alachua County Prison Camp where he was subjected to the sodium pentothal treatment – the Chinese Water Torture – countless Indian burns — and he even hour upon hour of Shaun Alexander’s 25-yeard, overtime run and Casey Clausen directing Rocky Top in the Swamp — but he endured. He was released last Wednesday, disoriented and riddled with emotional and physical scars of his interrogation but was still able to assure The Nation that he can still recognize a faked deep post rout, despite his intensive interrogation. Oh, what a patriot.
This young kid, aside from helping the Gator Nation forget about the gapping hole left in the secondary by the departures of Ryan Smith (eight Ints) and Reggie Nelson (73% of the earth is covered by water, the rest, by Reggie Nelson) has set an example that we all should follow. Stand up to the Dict-Gators on your campus. Stand with us oh Championes – those of you that have received more than three violations — those that have been found guilty of a traffic infraction more than five times. Being a bad driver doesn’t make you a bad person – the Dict-Gators only want you to think it does. The Historian took a stand last week, and I ask all of Gator Nation, all of us who fight against this very oppression every day and all of us who win Titles, to stand up, unite and show your commitment by putting down your jorts (jean shorts) and donning korts (khaki shorts) as a sign of solidarity to help this young visionary in his quest to rid the world of this terrible weapon of oppression. This, Das Boot.
The entire Gator Nation has mounted a protest of thousands, shit, even hundreds, to show that we won’t accept this scapegoating of a visionary — this ultimate wrong that has taken this fine cover man from us.
Allied Athletic Department spokesman Steve McClain said that General Urban Meyer was aware of the incident and that there is an internal Geneva Convention Investigation forthcoming to handle the matter – and even the General has taken up the cause of the Historian.
“Dorian is a heck of a kid,” General Meyer said. “It’ll come out.”
So to help this damaged patroller of the Gator secondary — join us. Unite! Wear korts. Imagine if you were kept form your chemistry lab, or your Age of the Dinosaurs class because of Das Boot. Would you stand for this? I think not. Show the world that we are more than a gaggle of mullet-toting hillbillies. The Historian’s fight shall not soon be forgotten. Help us show these oppressors of freedom that there is a special spot in hell reserved for those who oppose liberty. Those that oppose freedom. Those that write fucking parking tickets. We all know the low we feel when we come back from class and see that pink piece of paper flapping in the cruel, cool wind. Mocking us. Preventing us from graduating before we pay the fine. The fine to comply.
So, yeah, this still counts against the Fulmer Cup and this still may keep our Patriot out for some games during the season. But it won’t forbid us from celebrating his gesture. His stand against those that might try to strike fear into us. Those that might try to intimidate us with citations and prohibitive apparatuses. But our Massive Attack of korts will turn the tide. Go to the Gap. Buy a nice pair of korts. Show your support. Support this Intellectual of Interceptions. This Nitschke of the Nickel. He will stand as our statue against the mighty forces that haunt us every semester. Don’t bow to Das Boot. Fight it. The Historian did. And he went to jail. What, are you scared? Scared to serve time and be forced to buy soap-on-a rope. Small price to pay. Stand up to the Dict-Gators on your campus – they’re everywhere – from Nashville to Knoxville to Athens to Columbia to Baton Rouge to Fayetteville. Ask not what your campus can do for you, but what you can do the to irradiate the Dict-Gators from your campus. One student, one vote. We shall not be denied.
Go Gators!
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Here is what I think is going on in Gainesville: Since Florida has eclipsed Tennessee’s 2005 arrest record, Meyer and Foley had Billy D fired/hired by the Magic to divert media scrutiny off of the new arrest record
[...] A great blog site too if you wanna bookmark. I’m going out and buying my "korts" today! The Tragic Story of Dorian the Historian Munroe - Loser with Socks [...]
Wow a deadspin hit and no comments? Unbelievable
[...] The Tragic Story of Dorian “The Historian” Munroe There are many heroes involved in the fight against oppression. The fight against totalitarianism. The fight against […] [...]
Is there some sort of petition we can sign because of this gross injustice?? What about putting up a statue of Dorian somewhere? I will do whatever I can.
Here is what I think is going on in Gainesville: Since Florida has eclipsed Tennessee’s 2005 arrest record, Meyer and Foley had Billy D fired/hired by the Magic to divert media scrutiny off of the new arrest record
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