Ugliest #1

There’s’ nothing we hate more than lists. But this one had to be done.

Who’s the ugliest #1 NBA draft pick ever?

Now, before you jump and hand the trophy to Mr. Oden take a look at the fuglies of yester-draft and vote.

Plus:

Plus:

Equals:

Greg Oden ’07:
This guy looks like the outcome of a drunken night of butt love between LeBron James, Andre the Giant and Walther Matthau. Gregory wouldn’t be so bad — if he were a 48-year old factory worker. But since he’s 19, he just might be the ugliest guy on earth. Oh, and the Gators pwnd his ass.

Yao Ming, ’04:
If ugly was a country, Yao would be from China … wait. OK, he’s so ugly even his eyebrows are scared of his face – so they started growing up his forehead … that wasn’t funny either — damnit. How do you say ugly in Mandarin? Yao? …

Kwame Brown, ‘01
OK, I admit it – Kwame isn’t really that ugly — I put this stone-handed scrote on the list because he screwed Florida by deciding to go pro and then subsequently did the same to the Lakers by deciding not to kill himself. I’m sure he’s really ugly on the inside though. Plus his neck is just as thick as his head. That’s weird, isn’t it? I say it’s ugly and I’m in charge ‘round here.

Tim “Theodore” Duncan ’97:
The distance between Tim’s eyebrows and his hairline is less than the distance between his nostrils and his ‘stache. I’m not sure if that means anything, but it means something: Timothy is ugly.

Patrick Ewing ’85
And speaking of nostrils — here’s the nostrilizer himself. I read somewhere that he can pull boogers out of those caverns the size of ottomans. He’s also responsible for keeping the high-top fade around for a decade after Kid ‘N Play’s last album – making him horribly un-cool in addition to being horrifyingly ugly.

Ralph Sampson in ’83:
OK, maybe he isn’t that ugly – but he looks just like The Head Detective from In Living Color.

Kent “Who” Benson in, ’77:
Though he doesn’t look like a LeBron/Andre / Matthau gene splice, he set the Oden president – looking closer to 50 than to 20 when he was 19. Personally, I think he really works the gap-toothed Cro-Magnon look. Bet he got tons of leg at Indiana.

Bill Walton ‘74
Is it me, or does he look like the lovechild of that retard from the movie “Mask” and Bill Pullman?

Honorable Mentions:

Joakim Noah #6? ‘07
Since many “experts” have JoNo (aka Tranny aka E.T.) going in the top 10, I figured he should be added. That’s all, not much to talk about here. He’s ugly.

Chauncey Billups – #3 in ’97:
Holy maird – this dood had to become a basketball player or he would’ve never got any ass — ever. Once in eight grade this buck-toothed guy dug his teeth into the top of my head while coming down with a rebound – I think of that jerk every time I see Chauncey’s busted mug. I bet ‘ole Chaunc can beat some tail though – being named Chauncey and looking like an alien is a recipe for fresh ass whoopings every day on the playground.

Adam Morrison #3 ‘06
For fuck’s sake, he looks like the creepy guy that drove a primered Nova and had armpit hair in 6th grade. I think he ended up becoming an ice-cream man in my neighborhood or something. Yeah, keeping that guy around kids was a good idea. And the uno-brow — this is just too easy – he does it on purpose, I’m convinced. Plus he’s diabetic. Not sure that makes him uglier but it should.

Chris “Captain” Kaaaaamaaaaaan #6 in ’03
The first words that come to mind when I see this picture are “Duhhhhhhh?” Not only is he fugly, he’s balding and pasty. Sorry, man. You should hate your parents. Plus he just inked that big deal with the Clips and shat all over himself during the season. The Clippers are the worst franchise in the history of sports.

Mike Dunleavy in #3 in ’02
I hate this guy. This pic says it all. He looks way too much like his punk-ass dad, he went to Duke and he made $7.4 million last year. And he drinks wine with his legs crossed while in his uniform – on a couch with a hideously out-of-style print. Someone please punch this douche rocket in the face several times.

Drew Gooden too, #4 in ’02
The second part of quite possibly the ugliest one-two draft punch ever, right behind this guy. Plus, his little sassy patch of hair on his neck makes me want to recoil. This guy grows hair in all the wrong places. Probably shaves his armpits and braids his bikini line (is that what you call it on a guy? A bikini line?) Whatever – he ugly.

Stevie Francis #2 in ’99
I wonder if he has to scrape bugs off of his forehead after going for a leisurely stroll? Plus, the fact that he’s ruined three franchises in his wake of utter regularity make him an even uglier person. Ohh, and those rock biter teeth don’t help either.

Mashburn #4 in ’93
Speaking of rock biters — Mash’s Chiclets are further apart than your 911 call and the ambulance.

Plus

Plus Down Syndrome

Equals:

Kevin McHale #3 in ‘80
He may have the illest post moves ever — but he’s ugly. And a bad GM.