South Bend, IN – Lawyers embroiled in the Charlie Weis Stomach-Stapling lawsuit today presented new evidence in the case: official documents subpoenaed from the University of Notre Dame. The papers document the failure of the medical procedure, which was designed to help the coach lose dead weight and keep it off.
Weis is expected to take the stand tomorrow, and testify that the surgery was initially successful, helping him to shed an unsightly 227 lbs. With domer Brady Quinn set to join the NFL draft, Weis felt the weight was gone from his life and would stay gone. He reportedly followed his doctor’s recommendations to the letter, increasing his daily offseason exercise by walking to the refrigerator instead of having his wife deliver food to his recliner. He also followed a dietary restriction of only lean white meat (right). Despite his efforts, Weis quickly regained 191 of the lost pounds.
Defense lawyers are expected to argue that Weis caused his own problems, limiting the type of food but not the portion size. Weis’ representation scoffed at that claim, noting that their client may have dined heavily, but was at least sensible enough “not to eat that fat head”.
(This just in: Clausen has cut his hair! Call the Indiana National Guard, there will be riots tonight!)